just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
