u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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