I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
