I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
