yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
