Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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