Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
