I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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