Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
