So drunk, too bad you don't want this
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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