Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
