my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
