the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
