I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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