there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize