Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Non-Jews are for practice
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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