maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
