so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize