If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
