Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
