I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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