Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
