we have pet lesbian snakes
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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