you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We're too hungover to prance.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
