At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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