if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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