This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
