Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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