im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
