How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
