your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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