I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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