Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
