Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So here I am, sexting at work.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
