I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
