don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
