hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
