i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
