I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
