just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
