I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
