It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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