the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
