Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
