God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
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