cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
