So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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