the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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