And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
