I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Randomize
