I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
