Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
