Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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