You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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