i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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