no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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