My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
